Great, Fine, Self destruct
by jada jasmine
Summary: She looked at him with sad navy blue eyes, full of something other than her party girl reputation. "Nate, we both know I've been on self-destruct for a while now."


I really wanted to convey how confused and mixed-up Nate really is about the love he feels for both of the girls, so I mostly c

**I really wanted to convey how confused and mixed-up Nate really is about the love he feels for both of the girls, so I mostly centered it around him. However I really wanted to explore pre-boarding school Serena so I included her POV also. Kinda.**

**Anyways, please enjoy!**

**Great. Fine. Self-destruct.**

Blair and Serena were staring at the Breakfast at Tiffany's rerun on the TV, tears forming in their eyes as Audrey Hepburn ran around in the rain looking for her poor slob of a cat.

Nate just stared down at the two beautiful heads propped up against his chest, his mind going crazy with the possibilities about the best friends. He could pick one of them right now. Simple as that. But it really wouldn't be. He knew that.

After all, it is terribly hard to be in love with two girls at one time. Two gorgeous girls who just happened to be best friends living on the Upper East Side.

As lost as he was in his own thoughts, he hadn't even noticed that the movie had finished and that the two aforementioned heads on his chests had sat up and fixed their eye makeup.

Nate's gaze landed on Serena first. It always did.

Serena. All legs and laughter and sunshine and perfection, even if he knew (which he did) that she was really far from it.

He lazily dragged his eyes away from Serena's radiant face and brought it to the other girl in the room. For some reason, that's always how he thought of her. The other girl.

Blair. All properness and theatrics and insecurity, even if he knew (which he didn't, but should've) that she acted on those insecurities after every meal.

Sometimes he just wanted to hold Blair until all her worries melted away, until she could smile and actually mean it more than occasionally, until she would just chill out and be more like…Serena.

But then Serena didn't really need him. She hadn't ever really needed anyone. Ever. Not even Blair, or her mom, or her dad that was gone now.

But Blair, Blair really needed him. That felt good. He knew that when she looked at him, she thought the world of him. And right then and there, Nate knew whom he should pick.

Who he needed to pick. Even if they might never hold his attention like those long long legs.

So he went up to Blair, who was still glowing from the magic of her favorite movie, and kissed her straight on the mouth. He could feel her grasp at his shirt with her tiny hands, and he held her tight.

The teenagers were interrupted by a loud whooping noise coming from the heart shaped mouth of Serena.

"This is so **great**!"

And if Nate notices that her voice is a little too loud, the smile a little too big, the words a little too enthuastic, he doesn't say anything because he had just made his choice, and it's too late to change his mind now.

But he's too busy making out with Blair for sure to notice Serena's grip is just a little too tight on the martini glass that she's holding, and that she put a little too much alcohol in the glass to begin with.

It's twelve o'clock and he just left Blair's house. An annoying ringtone blares out from his phone speakers that he doesn't recognize it. Blair must've set it. She thinks it's cute when she does things like that.

He doesn't.

Answering the phone, he's greeted by a slurred yet still surprising perky voice screaming about how delicious martinis are, especially when they're mixed with tequila and body shots.

Frowning at what now has become a more normal occurance that what he would like to admit, he slowly tries to coax the location or name of the current It club or bar that she's frequenting this night.

After five minutes of no real conversation and drunken, distracted run-on fragments from Serena, Nate is frustrated. He begins practically yelling at her over the phone, screaming at her to get it together enough to even tell him where she is.

And the whole time, his heart hurts for the girl who has somehow lost her way in the Big City, and can't seem to find her way back.

He paused, breathing heavily, waiting for a response. All he hears is a quiet click, and then the line goes dead.

Taking the next taxi home, he can't stop worrying about her. He shouldn't have gone off on her like that. He should've tried to go and find her. After all, that's what a white knight was supposed to do. And if Serena van der Woodsen was anything, she was a damsel in distress.

When the phone rang again, he eagerly checked the caller idea. All he saw was the word Blair. He sighed disappointedly and pressed ignore.

In his building the doorman greeted him with a tip of his hat and announced that a packaged had been delivered to his apartment a few moments ago. As the elevator door opens to his penthouse, a drunk blond goddess is waiting outside his doorstep.

"Natiee! Please dun be mad at me! I'm just havin some fun!"

Nate sighed exasperatedly, and gently picked up Serena. He placed her on the bed and stroked her hair. He had given her Advil and plenty of water. And he had tucked her into bed.

The next morning he held that same golden hair back as her body got rid of the remaining alcohol from the night before.

"Serena, how are you feeling?"

And the girl simply plastered an empty smile on her face and nodded.

"Really Natie, I'm **fine**. Don't act like this hasn't happened before."

She threw up again, tears making their way down her face.

His phone rang again, and he knew Blair would be furious that she hadn't been able to get a hold of him. So he left Serena on the bathroom floor, and ran to Blair's side.

Nate is sitting on his bed, thinking. About Serena. And that damn yellow dress at the wedding. And somehow when he thinks of Blair, he can muster up the required guilt at least, but he realizes that she looked quite dull next to the seductive Serena.

He knows that he really does love Blair, despite what his actions show. Honestly, he does. It's just that he'll never quite love her as much as Serena, and he knows that.

He knows that he's made the wrong choice, but he's in too deep now with Blair to change that. And he honestly doesn't regret what happened between him and Serena.

His phone rings, its still that godawful ringtone that Blair set, and he sees the word Serena lighting up the screen.

Picking up, he expects to her drunken and disheveled, not the hysteric, crying voice that greets him.

"Please Nate, I made a mistake. I need help. I don't know what to do. Please pick me up at the Royal Building by Park Avenue."

Glancing down at his watch, he wonders why he even bothers to hesitate. He knows that he'll go get her. Even though Blair and he have a date in fifteen minutes, he knows that it's not enough to stop him from rescuing Serena yet again.

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Don't do anything until then."

He hung up the phone and grabbed his coat, practically sprinting down the hallway and impatiently waiting for the elevator. Hailing the first taxi he could find, he tried to think of possible Serena scenarios that would be greeting him at the building.

When he stepped into the lobby, a slightly less hysteric Serena greeted him. She told him that she had overreacted, it had just been this jerk of a guy who wouldn't leave her alone, who maybe had kissed her a little too roughly, and had certainly felt places she didn't want him to feel. But she was experienced now, and it seemed a little hypocritical of her to make such a big deal out of it when she was the first one to shed her shirt at a party.

Her voice cracked and she looked into Nate's green eyes. All of a sudden she couldn't stop crying, and the only place that she could even think about stopping was in Nate's lacrosse-toned arms. So he held her, and she cried, and that was it.

She dried her eyes, he dried his sleeve, and they got into a cab.

"S, are you sure you're going to be okay?"

She looked at him with sad navy blue eyes, full of something other than her party girl repuation.

"Nate, we both know I've been on **self-destruct** for a while now."

And with one last sad smile she closed the taxi door and walked into her building.

The next morning, she was gone.


End file.
